Struggle Love

Welcome Spirited Community to our Struggle Love Blog Series. We have listened to our followers and the most common question, “Should I Stay, Or Should I Go?” What better time than now to address dating, relationships, and self love. Our goal with this series is create awareness and insight to patterns and behaviors that compromise women in their relationships. Let’s expand our knowledge as a collective on what love is NOT and how to avoid toxic relationships. Feel free to comment below and don’t forget to share with your family and friends. Enjoy! Stay Spirited. Stay True to Self!

Struggle Love, it is a term that has surfaced in the past couple of years to describe a woman who constantly finds herself in relationships with men who do not have their affairs in order. Struggle Love pays homage to the ride “Ride or Die Chick.” Both terms are definitely not endearing, however these types of messages are constantly part of the socialization of women. From a young age, women are put in positions of caregiver and somehow it is hardly ever mentioned how a partner is supposed to care for them in return. It is a patriarchal message that basically states, “you have to produce or perform in order to receive love from another person.” You have seen the displays everywhere from reality tv shows, to Beyoncé and Jay-Z imitating Bonnie and Clyde, Kim Kardashian in response to criticism of Kanye West tweeting “I will always ride for my man.” What happens to the woman who is always “riding” for her man? What happens to her mental, physical, and spiritual health by always focusing on other’s needs? What happens when struggle love becomes exhausting and burdensome? There are also countless movies that put women in the position to always have unconditional love for her man. There are not too many movies or videos that show a woman who is constantly cheating, have some sort of addiction, not able to work or care for herself, or does not show value to her partner. If there is such movie the woman is often criticized as lazy, not a good woman, a horrible mother, a gold digger, or selfish. However, in struggle love when men are in this same situation we are told to “work with him,” he is a good man, just having bad luck,” “he is your child’s father keep him” or “you better have sex with him often because there will always be another woman who will.” All of these statements are fear-based messages that women learn at an early age about relationships. In struggle love a woman might find herself constantly lying about her status of her relationship. She might find it embarrassing that she is actually taking care of a man and child-rearing a grown man, while he is at home in another woman’s DM’s or playing video games all day. Struggle love looks different for many women, however, here are a few commonalities:

1) Struggle looks like your partner is unemployed, not actively seeking work, and you constantly having to help your partner financially.

2) Your partner is not willing to commit to you fully because you need to “act right” and yet you stay in the relationship anyways.

3) Your partner can be violent, emotionally and verbally abusive, but you tell yourself you are “strong”, and you can handle it.

4) Your partner has been found cheating on several occasions and still keeps in contact with other women, but you become over-forgiving to keep him.

5) Struggle love means you are in an unreciprocated relationship and it is based on your partner benefiting from your actions.

6) Struggle love leads women to attach their worth and validation to making their partner happy, and if they do not, they feel guilty or ashamed.

7) Struggle love is you are willingness to jeopardize all your hard work to support your partner’s risky illicit lifestyle despite how this might endanger or harm you.

8) Struggle love is you seeking a project in another individual in hopes to “fix them” or if you feel the individual has “potential” you will go out your way to try to mold them to your expectations, to a fault.

Now that we have a basic understanding of struggle love let’s dive deeper as to what this all really means. If you have ever been in any relationship similar to what is listed above or currently find yourself in this type of relationship, there is a psychological word for this type of relationship pattern called (say it with me loud) “CODEPENDENCY.” I know, struggle love sounds so much more fun and exciting. But, is struggling to be visible and loved in a relationship something worth striving form? Let’s call a spade a spade, it is not struggle love it is Codependency! Codependency is an individual disorder expressed in relationships. Codependents hyper-focus on giving their love, respect, and care freely and abundantly to others while feeling undervalued, dismissed, or not demanding the same from others. Codependents want reciprocity and mutuality in relationships, but do not know how to get it. Codependents struggle with their own self-love and worth, which they only find value in these areas if someone else gives it to them. Codependents are attracted to a main type of person usually someone who is an emotional manipulator (we will discuss the why later in the series). The cycle of struggle love is the same as a codependent & emotional manipulator relationship cycle:

Now that we have established that struggle love is merely a colloquialism for Codependent & Emotional Manipulator (Narcissist) relationship we can gain more understanding in the next blog why and how these relationships come about in the first place. Can you relate to the cycle above? Does all this sound too familiar and you do not know why you find yourself attracted to partners who are incapable of loving you back? Stay Tuned to Next Week’s Blog “How a Codependent is Created.” It is time to look at yourself and answer the deep burning question of “why does this keep happening to me and how can I do better?” Leave your thoughts in the comments below. Much love Spirited Community! Until next time.

Stay Spirited. Stay True to Self,

Alexandra Samuel-Sturgess, LCSW

Spirited Community